I suppose it would not be too funny to start this post with this next sentence.
I had it Coming.
Since it happened to me, and humor is my coping mechanism, that is the first and only sentence I can think of when referring to my “Incident.”
I fantasize about rape. I thirst for the thought and images of rape. Last year I googled “Most disturbing rape scenes in film” and proceeded to watch each and every one that I was able to find. I anticipated the scenes, and when it came, watched it. I then rewinded, and watched again. I would use those rape scenes and others of my own creation when I got myself off. I remember as a youngster I used to love watching Lifetime movies with my mom, for even just a glimpse of those brief violent scenes against women.
So when I woke up last week to a man I trusted fucking me without my consent, why was I so pissed?
Well for one, I was passed out, therefore unable to fully experience it. Two, he was very unattractive.
Three, I felt violated and betrayed. Surprise, surprise, right?
I felt disturbed that this man could not control himself. He was twice my age and took advantage of me. What a Loser.
I felt disgusted that someone was touching my body while I was not aware.
I felt betrayed because I had trusted him.
I felt disappointed that I had missed it. (Hey we are being honest here)
I felt irritated that he took it, instead of me giving it to him.
Now I am not planning on embracing the whole “victim” mentality. Sure it was awful, and took a major toll on my emotions, in addition to fucking me up even further when it comes to men and my relationships with them, but it could have been worse. It was not something I need to go about being traumatized over. It was just painful enough to be able to somewhat relate to other women who may need someone to talk to. It was just painful enough for me to sharpen my street smarts and instincts. It was just painful enough to make me stronger.
Sometimes the line between reality and fantasy becomes blurred. Sometimes I feel I get off on sick and twisted things, and sometimes I secretly wish twisted bad things would happen to me, like in the movies I watch.
But somewhere deep inside me I know that I deserve to be treated with respect. The degradation, pain, and sadism I allow others to inflict on me are a mature, conscious decision.
Yet somewhere even deeper, I wish that man in the creepy van will follow me home, abduct me, and imprison and use me as his sex slave.
Strange feelings. I really do not know whether to feel sorry for you or … I pray you can cope up with it, the “Incident”. Take care!
Thank you for the comment! No need to feel sorry, as you can see I do have very strange feelings about the whole thing. I have been through a lot worse. That man screwed with the wrong people, he will get his.
Nobody has date rape coming. Ever. Not even as a joke. Certainly not as a coping mechanism.
The date rape poster ARE hilarious, though.
i’m sorry. i understand everything you said and in some strange way i can relate but with that being said, i hope it doesn’t cause a permanent scar.
I’ve had a difficult time sorting out a lot of my fantasies (rape fantasies, submission, etc.) versus my experiences (being assaulted, being in an abusive relationship) and I find this post really interesting. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but I find it weirdly comforting to know someone else has gone through similar things and had similar feelings to my own.
Thank you so much for the comment. It is also comforting to me to know that I am not alone. Part of the reason I wanted to start this blog is to find others who relate to me, or help others feel they are not alone. I was actually reading your blog the other day and I enjoyed it very much. I see myself in much of your words and it helps me feel more at peace with who I am.